To Catch Your Cheating Spouse

Cheating on one’s spouse used to be detected with the usual evidences such as a lady’s scent on his shirt, lipstick smudges and unfamiliar names on his cell phone. Well, those days are long gone since technology has evolved, so has ways to commit infidelity! Nowadays, chat rooms and websites can beckon anyone to commit adultery.

Robert Teitelbaum, a divorce lawyer from Montreal, states that the number of his clients, who have discovered ‘virtual infidelity’, have increased. Innocent-looking chat rooms could become meeting places and love e-mails could actually seal relationships. Gerald Stotland (also a lawyer) agrees with Teitelbaum saying that there really was an increase on evidences that have been gathered over the Internet.

Forensics expert John Wiechman sometimes works with Stotland in acquiring online evidences against spouses who cheat the modern way. Wiechman is the TLSI founder and president and his company works on many cases of computer data recovery. Wiechman confirmed that forensics experts can now help in uncovering cheating spouses who commit adultery over the Internet. This is, of course, is as bad as physically committing the act itself. Wiechman’s advice to those who are planning to commit virtual affairs because of the thought that they won’t be caught—just don’t do it—there are trails of evidences that only expert users are able to uncover.

Companies such as that of Wiechman’s could help in uncovering the trails left by the cheating spouse. The trail is not easily erased by deleting browsing history. Data recovery experts can uncover trails almost all of the time and the latest technologies that computer forensics offer can already be used as evidences in courts.

Most people might think that being on a virtual affair is not harmful to the marriage as no physical contact is established. But this destroys the very essence of marriage—a foundation based on trust. Nowadays, it is so easy to commit adultery and most disgruntled spouses seek the help of forensics expert—and for a good reason. The evidences that computer forensics present are incontrovertible.

Seeing someone at ‘arm’s length’ or engaging in cyber-sex is as evil as actually establishing a physical relationship with anyone. Having an avatar babe can be as damaging to one’s family as having a real person interfere with the marriage. For example, the husband tends to make up excuses to be online when he could just easily spend that precious moment with his wife or children. It can be very pathetic when the online life that one leads would finally eat up the real life that he has.

Prior to Valentine’s Day of 2008, Tennessee has participated on an infidelity research reviewed by Maggie Scarf and conducted by D.A. Buss. The statistics shown by the research were staggering as the lowest possible estimate was recorded at 16% while the top percentage was at 70%. With this numbers, the researchers were compelled to conclude that about 55% of men who are married are bound to have affairs while 45% of the married woman population could also succumb to the same fate.

This only pins further the annual divorce rate of Tennessee (they are on the top five states out of the total 50). The research also proved the theory that upper-class married men have more ‘tendencies’ to commit extra-marital affairs. This means that men who have lower income are less ‘tempted’ to have an affair. Other factors include mobility or more travels, and being in constant contact with beautiful and highly successful individuals.

The statistics also showed that couples with higher income spend less time with each other as compared to couples with lower income, hence, they have more chances of having an affair. It is sad to note that whatever extra these well-to-do couples have are not being spent to buy moments together. Their affluence, in fact, drives them further from their home and marriage. The only consolation to this research is that most of the relationships that undergo infidelity are able to recover and most couples seek help.

Divorce ravages many marriages in the U.S. and, perhaps, it would be hard to immediately fight this reality. But there can be ways to safeguard marriages from the ravaging claws of infidelity. Primarily, since most affairs take place at work, it is important to be constantly on guard while at work. This does not mean that one has to alienate himself from the other employees but just to keep relationships purely business.

Other ways to prevent infidelity in your own marriage is to avoid being a ‘shoulder to cry on’ for anyone no matter how sappy they look. During travel opportunities at work, it is best to meet up in places that are public rather than in rooms with beds. The line of communication at home should be constantly open. This means that any ill feelings should be openly discussed and resolved. Also, it is always safest to put the home computer at an area where it cannot be locked.

Most important of all, you’ve got to love your husband/wife and be ready to make room for personality differences. Always remember that that person at home has built more memories with you more than that person at work. There are so many ways of putting walls against the dangers of infidelity. Your marriage need not become another number in countless statistics.

About half of marriages are lost to divorce each year, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, and many marriages find their own doomsday when at least one spouse starts to cheat. The signs of a cheating spouse abound in weakly founded marriages, and sometimes, temptation gets too great for even the strongest marriages, so that one spouse that you would not imagine cheating suddenly falls prey and loses his or her grip on the marriage vows. There’s still another way to catch those cheaters: try Valentine’s Day or thereabouts, writer Ruth Houston says.

Houston, who organized the annual Valentine’s Day Infidelity Awareness Campaign, may probably be the cause of why women and men are now more vigilant when the day of hearts comes along. Houston’s book, “Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs,” have allowed more people to be more aware of how Valentine’s Day can actually be the best place to catch a cheater. Houston sees the red-letter day as the peak season of cheating – it may be the most romantic day of the year, she says, but everywhere, cheaters will be roaming in order to give and receive gifts from their “special others” during Valentine’s Day.

The dark side of Valentine’s Day, Houston claims, is rarely examined or talked about, and is often overshadowed by the media hype of romance, places to go, gifts to get, and things to do. It is for this reason that Houston conducts the campaign every year, and, for its fifth year running, the theme in 2008 is How to Catch a Cheater on Valentine’s Day. The campaign itself, Houston says, is meant to increase public awareness about how Valentine’s Day and cheating are connected; encourage spreading the word through mass and online media about how Valentine’s Day is also fraught with cheating; and to alert suspicious people on how useful Valentine’s Day can be to catch cheaters, as well as to advise these people on how to catch the cheater.

The three days that sandwich Valentine’s Day are the best time to catch the cheating spouse, Houston claims. At this time, cheaters will start buying gifts and give them to their lovers personally. These gifts will leave a paper trail in the form of receipts. Cheating women will go through great lengths – and give tons of excuses – to make themselves available for receiving gifts from their secret lovers. For more information on how to deal with such spouses once they are caught, visit Houston’s blog and website in order to find out more.

How easy is it to find your lover? The click of a mouse is all it takes, says this article, which tells of people who have met online because of dating sites and social networking stations built for the international arena. Thanks to profiles that provide information on everything from someone’s astrological sign to his or her favorite brand of lipstick, social networking can actually facilitate romance. The Internet has changed the face of dating and looking for a potential mate: because people are not much older when they start looking for their husbands or wives, the traditional bars and pubs just don’t cut it anymore.

On the popular Irish dating site Maybefriends.com, there are about six thousand members who range in age from their late twenties to early forties, but there are even users who are past their seventies! Another increasingly popular site is Anotherfriend.com, which claims to have over a hundred thousand registered members, and that’s just from Ireland! For some people, online dating makes it much easier to find love, especially when work entails a lot of sitting down at one’s computer.

The article mentions the case of a woman and a man who met online, and whose shared interests led them to resolve to meet each other. It turns out that they went to school together – a realization that perhaps strengthened their bond, which allowed them to eventually get married. Now, they have a child. This story is becoming more and more common around the world, as more and more singles get the chance to fall in love – but it can be an easy way for people to have an affair as well.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the year 2001 saw about half of marriages crumble into divorce. Although this is not an absolute statistic for cheating, it may be a sign that marriages are growing more and more vulnerable – and as technology advances, this downward slide may be all the more easy. In one such case, a man broke up with his girlfriend so that he could move in with a woman whom he had been having an online affair with. When he moved in with her, however, he started cheating again.

Both sexual and emotional infidelity exist online: some people will pour out their emotions to someone else, but this does not necessarily lead to a sexual follow through. In some cases, however, it does, and it can certainly break up relationships quite painfully.

An article in the OC Register talks about Louise, a woman of Asian descent who, having been burned by a marriage in which her husband was a cheater, decided to try the field again – but with qualms and defenses up. Like most women, she preferred someone who is in her cultural zone: due to preconceived notions of like-attracts-like, as well as the conception that only people of the same culture will understand each other fully, Louise decided to go for Asians as well.

The columnist requested that she keep an open mind. Louise finally did, and she and Richard, an American, are now a couple. Richard has been exposed to the cultures of Asia: he spent some time there, learned the language and cultural mores, and thus served as a good complement to Louise. The article reminds us of two things: first, it is never too late to find love and affection. Louise was over fifty years old when she met Richard, and she had not given up on finding love despite the fact that she was in a marriage that broke her trust for men down. Second, culture does not always dictate compatibility: we all have our differences, and we can make a relationship work by working around those differences.

Louise’s case of being burned and suffering for it might be all too common for many men and women all over the world. According to statistics, adultery is widespread so much so that it has become an institution. That is, we can expect that at some point in their lives, spouses will cheat on each other. This may be a cynical view that can be discouraging, but it is a reality that all women and men have to face.

Divorce is not the only option. In fact, although a lot of marriages that involve cheating do end in divorce, some can still be resolved thanks to good mediation, and understanding on the part of each spouse. A private detective is not something that is required for all spouses: it will not only cost money, but if found out, it can cause even more tension between spouses. But if separation is inevitable, then it makes no sense to stay together.

If you do have to get out and date again, don’t confine yourself to people of your own race, culture, or background. For all you know, the differences will spell a more exciting relationship. After all, a relationship is all about trust, and if you have trust, it will not matter so much what your background is.

Hillary Clinton may not be leading the preliminaries in the current election season, but the former first lady knows how to use her emotions to fuel her campaign. In an article by John Lillpop (“Can ‘Hillary Care’ Cure Infidelity?” ) Clinton is shown as acknowledging her husband’s scandalous term of office, and without offering compliments on his achievements as president, instead promises that her term will not allow Mr. Clinton to engage in illicit affairs again.

The article takes this to mean that Hillary Clinton lacks compassion and tenderness – or it assumes that Clinton’s plan to socialize health care also includes a plan to discipline her husband so that he stays in the same bed as she at night. Calling it programmed dysfunction the author seems to call up images of an America where men cannot help running around and cavorting with other women – and where their wives cannot help finding ways of trying to chain them down.

Can Hillary’s sense of care (or lack thereof) really bring men back into the fold and actually follow the order to not commit adultery? According to statistics, adultery truly is rife in the U.S. although the results of infidelity will not always lead to divorce. In some cases, spouses will spend some time apart for a trial separation, and then try to resolve their quarrel. In other cases, the other spouse will not find out about the cheating spouse’s activities, and the cheating spouse will either repent, or keep on going on cheating adventures until he or she is caught. In yet other cases, the spouse who is cheated on will find ways to retaliate on the cheating spouse.

There are many ways that cheating spouses can break up a family, but there are also ways to resolve cheating, whether or not Hillary Clinton’s sense of marriage is concerned. If you are suspicious about your spouse, there are a few telltale signs, such as he or she suddenly becoming attentive to you as though he or she were feeling guilt for something. Watch out for these signs, and then confront your spouse or look for a private investigator. If you do find out that your spouse is cheating on you, how you will resolve the issue will certainly be up only to you both.

Remember, a marriage does not have to end because of one episode of cheating, but if you have been burned twice, or thrice, or over way too many times to keep track of, then you need to start loving yourself. Don’t get hurt: get your senses together.

Christmas is a busy time but it’s not so busy that true-blue cheaters wouldn’t grab on the chance to practice their wiles. Cheating actually doesn’t have any season but if there is one that offers you a great opportunity to learn whether your spouse or partner is cheating on you, it’s Christmas. Why? It’s a special season and a time for gift-giving and if your mate is cheating on you, he or she will try to make it extra special for his/her other lovey. Is your mate cheating after Christmas? Here are ways you can find out:

Gifts, gifts, gifts everywhere
Any person who embarks on an affair, whether it’s a fling or a long-term relationship will want to indulge the other person. This is done usually through special favors and gifts. Come Christmas time, it’s no different. In fact, it’s an opportunity for cheaters to make time for some loving on the sidelines, courtesy of gifts.

Gifts suddenly appear, out of nowhere. They could come from your spouse or they could be intended for him or her. This is probably okay if there is a good explanation for their presence: it’s a company gift and there’s the company logo to prove it, it’s part of the company bonus given for a good performance during the past year or it’s just simply a gift from a very satisfied client or a happy and generous boss.

And then there’s the disappearing gift. There are receipts that prove a gift was bought or maybe you actually saw it. However, it’s not being passed around on Christmas Day and your partner isn’t talking. Where is it?

If there is no explanation (or if the one given you is too vague or flimsy), dig deeper. If your spouse is innocent, you’ll find out. If he isn’t, you’ll find out, too.

Somebody’s getting personal.
Gifts are exchanged during Christmas and for people in intimate relationships, gifts of a personal nature may often be involved. This explains why there is a spike in the sales of jewelry and intimate apparel during the holidays. So it’s probably okay if your partner buys you one or a couple of these personal gifts. But what if there is such gift but it isn’t for you?

Your partner may also receive a gift from a friend or acquaintance that is so personal that it makes you uncomfortable. Friends don’t usually give gifts that may offend the significant other in their friend’s life, so if this person is giving your partner some rather expensive and intimate gift, find out why.

Your partner is suddenly busy.
Christmas is a time when people are at their busiest. Not only are there end-year reports and projects to be completed but also preparations for the holidays to be done. This is also the time when you yourself are busy on your own – shopping, partying, wrapping gifts, making calls for that annual family Christmas dinner, etc.

If your spouse is cheating on you, he or she will take advantage of your distraction and try to slip away to meet the other man/woman. There are only two ways to do this: one is a few days before Christmas and the other is after Christmas. Or if your partner is really that thick and arrogant, he or she might even meet with the other person on the day itself. Should that happen, it’s time you seriously take a good, long look at your relationship, whether you want it to survive another Christmas or not.

Used to be that cheating carried with it a social stigma.  If you look back at the last thousand or so years of our history, you’ll find stories of people being stoned, ostracized by society and even put to trial and subsequent public humiliation because they were unfaithful.  These days, however, some cheaters can actually strut in the streets and even talk about their affairs openly.  There are even some whose behavior is being encouraged on books, film and even social networks online encouraging infidelity.

Enjoy your life. Cheat?
According to some statistics, about 50% of women are unfaithful to their husbands at least once in their lives.  With men, the figure is at 70%. Although most people still view the act of cheating as a sneaky affair that’s best kept hidden, people are flaunting it, or are at least promoting the concept of infidelity.

Case in point: the rising number of websites that cater to married people who are cheating, want to cheat or are thinking of cheating.  Perform a simple search online and you’ll find forums, discussion boards, even dating sites for ’swinging couples’, ‘married or looking’ and ‘married and flirting’.  So what’s the problem here?

Writer Randy Hicks wrote a commentary about infidelity social networks and websites on WebPal.com.  However, instead of attacking the concept of allowing cheaters to meet fellow cheaters, Hicks told the story of a woman who knew firsthand what infidelity is and what it did to her, her family and her life.

In her piece, the woman wrote about how infidelity wrecked her marriage and family and made her lose a sense of her own self.  She regretted the fact that she had exchanged a temporary thing for what she later realized was the important part of her life – her family.

Infidelity made easy
Infidelity social networks are multiplying, thanks in part to the ’success’ of sites such as Meet2Cheat.com and AshleyMadison.com.  The fact that communicating through the internet is fast and easy also helps encourage people to join these social networks. 

Not only that, other venues frequently used online are fast becoming the means with which people commit infidelity.  Chat rooms and instant messaging are just two of these examples.

Infidelity and the freedom of choice
If you look at the very basic thing about these websites which are encouraging extramarital affairs, you’ll probably find that they really are based on the premise that ‘it’s a free country and I’m free to choose whether or not I cheat’.  Unfortunately, it also questions the very basic foundation upon which we have built our society – pure, simple decency.

So what does the future hold for infidelity social networks?  By the looks of it, as long as people find a reason to cheat, these sites will continue to thrive.  Until someone finds a way to legally shut them down or cheaters finally wake up, there is no way infidelity social networks will be stopped.

Miscommunication is a major cause of infidelity.  However, it is also a product of other problems inherent in the marriage.  Couples who refuse to see eye to eye, for example, or those who ‘read’ too much into their partner’s behavior, often end up jumping into conclusions that are unwarranted and invalid.  The result?  Ineffective exchanges that lead to bitter fights and emotional pain.

Everything is communication
If you look at how the world works, one of the most basic components that move it is the way we all communicate.  In fact, the most fundamental structures in our society such as marriage and family, rely heavily on communication. 

Individuals speak to one another using verbal and nonverbal cues.  Words work but then there are also the facial expressions, actions and gestures that relay what we wish to express. 

With so many venues with which to communicate, is it any wonder why some things don’t always get said the way they should?  The way things are said or gestured and how they are received can impact understanding.  This then leads to miscommunication.

Infidelity and miscommunication
‘My spouse doesn’t understand me at all.’
‘We’re never on the same page.’
‘It’s hard for him/her to see it my way.’

Do these words sound familiar?  You don’t have to be a practicing psychiatrist or psychologist to hear these statements.  Married people, especially those experiencing some troubled times for their marriage, say these words.  Some, who are on the verge of infidelity, may even make similar declarations more frequently. 

So how does miscommunication work against a good marriage and encourage infidelity? 
One reason why miscommunication can lead to infidelity is because people inherently feel appreciated if they are understood. 

Emotions are very strong influences in people.  When they feel involved in a miscommunication, they often go on the defensive.  They will try to protect themselves by declaring that they’re right and the other person was wrong.  Or, they could say that the other person just got them wrong.

Regardless, the end result remains the same: feelings of bitterness, hurt, being unappreciated.  If pushed further, some people might even turn to infidelity, finding solace in someone else other than their spouses and family.  Because of miscommunication, some people can be driven to find other people who will understand them, listen to them or at least, ‘get’ what they mean.

Miscommunication is a two-way event.  It is also an imperfect process, in that there are certain components that may be twisted in order to produce a more desirable effect.  Couples who are able to overcome their problems with miscommunication early are more likely to prevent infidelity.  Couples who don’t might find themselves using it as an excuse.

Is Christmas a good time for your mate to cheat?  Ruth Houston, head and founder of the infidelity watch website InfidelityAdvice.com, says yes.  And it’s a good time for you to catch them at it, too.  Houston has written the definitive manual for catching cheaters, ‘Is He Cheating on You?’ which details not just 101 but over 800 ‘telltale signs’ that a lover may not be that faithful.  Recently, she offered more advice to partners who suspect that their mate is sowing some wild oats on the side.  ‘Tis the season to be jolly?  Probably not, if you see these signs on your mate:

1.  You found a Christmas gift that you presumed was yours until it disappeared on Christmas Day.
Maybe you did the snooping deliberately or maybe you came across the gift by accident.  Whichever, you just assumed that the gift was intended for you.  However, Christmas Day came and went and there’s no sign of the gift.  It somehow disappeared and you see no signs of it in your family members – not in your mother, father, siblings, children or even aunts. 

Gifts like these are often purchased on the sly, with buyer having the intention to give the gift to someone else, other than you.  If your spouse or partner is trying to win over a boss or a client, that should explain the gift but then, he should have told you that in the first place.  If the gift is unexplained, it could be a sign your mate is cheating on you.

2.  You found a receipt for not one but two gifts that are exactly the same.
Some cheating spouses are lazy enough not to give much thought to their purchase.  Some of them might actually be having an affair with a person who has the same tastes as you.  This will probably explain why your mate will buy identical gifts – one for you and one for the other man or woman.

Check the receipt to see if the gifts are truly one and the same.  If the gift is to be given to another member of your family, that’s probably okay but if it’s unaccounted for, be wary.

3.  A thank you note for a Christmas gift you knew nothing about.
Another after-Christmas sign that your mate is cheating is that sweet, short thank-you note from the recipient of his generosity.  If your spouse is planning on giving an innocent or well-intentioned gift to another person (man or woman), he should tell you about it.  If he/she keeps it a Christmas secret, there must be a good reason for it.  Otherwise, he/she should have mentioned it to you.

4.  You discover personal gifts to another person.
Personal gifts are stuff that are a bit intimate, personalized or expensive.  Stuff like intimate apparel, lingerie or even jewelry.  Fine if they are headed in your direction but if they make a U-turn to arrive on someone else’s lap, Houston says it could be a sign your mate is cheating.  Sure, Christmas is a time for giving but for those kinds of gifts, your spouse better have a good explanation.

5.  You find expensive gifts that your spouse receives.
If your spouse is an important person, you’re probably used to seeing them receive some expensive stuff – from a boss, a client, a business partner, etc.  However, if that expensive gift seems out of place (your mate doesn’t have a generous boss, can ill-afford to pay for the item or doesn’t have a rich cousin in Alaska), ask where the gift was from.  If your partner claims they bought it themselves, they should be able to produce a receipt or some proof that they did.

6.  Credit card statements showing purchase of gift items you never received.
This will come later, but infidelity expert Houston says it’s a clear after-Christmas sign that you have a cheating mate.  Gifts of this kind are usually expensive, which explains why they were charged to your spouse’s credit card.  If you didn’t receive them, who did?