To Catch Your Cheating Spouse

When Sean Penn and Robin Wright tied the knot around eleven years ago, they seemed to be the perfect couple. Sean Penn seemed to increase in stellar power, and went on not only to star hits such as Mystic River and I Am Sam, but win Academy Award nominations, and the Oscar itself. Before the marriage, Sean Penn had been Mr. Madonna, but after four years of being husband to the pop star, he ended the marriage in 1989. A little over a decade after the 1996 wedding of Sean and Robin, their marriage has fallen apart, and Hollywood has long since been abuzz with why the Penn couple, who have two teenaged children, have split up.

Details started emerging only recently, and it turns out that Sean Penn was to blame. It was Robin who served him the divorce papers, and after she had reportedly found him with two other women in bed. It was Penn’s infidelity that finally did him in, on one weekend that the couple supposedly spent together, only to stay in separate rooms. According to reports, it was the Squaw Valley resort that saw the last days of the Penns; the resort, located in Lake Tahoe, California, is a popular destination for some celebrities. Robin and Sean were there for Christmas, but they were booked in separate suites.

Robin was growing tired of their separation, the reports say, and was of course, suspicious, because Sean was not spending a lot of time with her. When she was finally exhausted with being alone, she went to his suite – and upon entering, found her husband drunk, and in bed with two Russian women. On the 21st of December, Robin filed divorce papers, with irreconcilable differences cited as the reason for the papers being served. Robin and Sean are filing for joint custody of their two children.

The Penn affair is only one among many stories of cheating spouses in Tinseltown, where fame and fortune seem to make it all the more easy, not to mention allowable, to cheat on one’s spouse and break one’s marriage vows. Celebrity weddings, as they say, end at the altar and don’t usually last – which can be quite a tragedy, given that recent splits, such as the one between Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philippe, seemed to be between people who were apparently perfect for each other. It seems that like in the movies, not everything that happens in Hollywood is real.

The situation is familiar: a husband and wife who have been married for years seem to have the perfect marriage. They have very young children. In a strange mix-up of family roles, it is the wife who is the breadwinner; but because she has to go on maternity leave, the husband, who has previously worked part-time, has to do the major money earning around the house. Previously, he was tasked to take care of the house, take care of the children, and even cook. Now, he has new power on his hands: he works full time, he gets promoted – and he starts sleeping around.

If this sounds like something out of a Hollywood story, think again: the scenario is real, and it’s not just in one lovelorn, weeping letter to one agony aun. It is something that women can experience, and the betrayal can be all the more poignant simply because they were previously the ones working hard for the family, and understandably, they expect some sort of a reward. Perhaps a faithful husband wouldn’t be too much to ask?

The letter referred to gives more details on how things transpired, and how the husband ended up sleeping with a trainee at work. The husband even has the gall to complain to his wife: he says that their sex drives no longer match, despite the wife’s claims that she had to stay away from sex because she was pregnant, but once she had given birth and they had resumed making love, they did so a good many times, and with passion. The husband makes a promise never to make the same mistake again; the wife says she can probably forgive him, but can she easily forget?

The answer of Agony Aunt Deidre? It might be all too easy to see how the affair could have happened: the husband had not been employed in a full-time job for a good long while, and his entry into a place of employment that eventually promoted him as well gave him a boost to his ego; with his morale up high, he became the idol and authority figure to the people he was training. He fell for the bait of being up on a pedestal and adored by the impressionable young. Agony Aunt Deidre, however, does not explicitly condone the man’s behavior, and instead tells the grieving wife to talk to her husband.

Instead of weeping quietly in a corner, she asks the wife to talk to her man, to tell him that she wants to have a much stronger marriage – but he has to start from scratch and do a lot of the fixing. The man has to work harder in order to regain the wife’s trust. He has to court and woo her all over again.

Cheating has undeniable negative effects on spouses and partners. However, it doesn’t stop there. It also affects children, creating insecurity and a sense of loss and abandonment in their young minds. Cheating’s effects on children can be profound, affecting them well into adulthood. Some of its possible consequences are detailed below:

Children learn to mistrust adults and their judgments.
Adults are traditionally the source of model behavior for children. What adults show by example, children learn to do. Adults, especially the parents, are supposed to provide support and assurance for their children.

Unfortunately, when cheating occurs in either or both parents, this sense of assurance is shattered. This leaves the children feeling vulnerable, with no adult support to turn to when they need it. When there are no other adults in their lives to assist them emotionally, this problem worsens. Children learn to see the adults in their lives as weak individuals who cannot be trusted, making children feel unnecessarily that they are on their own.

Children have to deal with an unstable family.
Families are supposed to provide a solid foundation for children. Adults in the family are supposed to make children feel secure and protected. When cheating wrecks its emotional havoc on the adults concerned, children feel this, too. They go home to a house where there is stress, tension and even fighting. The lack of a loving atmosphere in the home will make children feel unwanted. In some cases, some children might even blame themselves for problems they did not create.

Children develop a false sense of what’s right in a relationship.
Children often look at their parents and see what they want to be or not want to be. They also look at parents as the model for many of the things that will prove crucial in their lives, including friendships and intimate relationships.

When children see their parents getting involved in inappropriate relationships, they view this as acceptable. Their view about what healthy intimate relationships should be becomes skewed.

Children learn to lie.
This often happens if they witness one or both parents getting involved in extramarital relationships and lie about it. Cheating people often have to lie and deceive their spouses or partners just to avoid confrontation. Some parents might even ask their children to lie for them in case the other parent asks. As a result, children learn that lying can have its advantages – it lets you get away with something and it prevents you from getting punished.

Children become disillusioned about commitment.
Commitment requires sacrifice and consideration for others. When children see their parents cheat, they learn that yes, you can ignore what other people feel. Even when they suffer, you can look the other way because your wants and desires have to be fulfilled first and foremost. And yes, it’s okay to sacrifice your family and everything you hold dear just to satisfy a temporary need, that it’s perfectly excusable to be inconsiderate and selfish.

Children learn that it’s okay to give up that easily.
Hollywood actor Bernie Mac was once asked how he has maintained such a strong marriage and he replied that he had to fight for something he loved. These days, he said, people no longer fight for anything. Another effect of cheating on children is that it teaches them that it’s okay to let their values go or to compromise your principles. Or that it’s perfectly acceptable to hurt someone and no longer fight to keep the relationship strong. In the end, they’ll find that they don’t stand for anything anymore.

Sexual addiction may sound like a good excuse to stray. After all, it’s a mental condition that keeps someone from honoring his marital vows and just engaging in one extramarital sexual encounter after another. Unfortunately, it is a convenient excuse but still an excuse, nevertheless. Is it still any wonder why sexual addiction is a strong cause of marital infidelity?

A troublesome category
According to the director of the Key Bridge Therapy and Mediation Center Emily Brown, the causes of marital infidelity come in different categories. One of these is sexual addiction.

When marital infidelity is strongly connected to sexual addiction, it can take several forms. One is that sex with other people is not necessarily an emotionally connected incident but a conquest or sexual release. This type of sexual addiction can take several forms, such as actual sexual contact with multiple partners, an obsession with pornography, strip clubs and prostitution, self-gratification, etc.

Another is that the sexual addiction is recognized by the cheating spouse and there is an intention to stop. The only problem is that the compulsion proves to be too strong and difficult to refuse. Hence, the cheating spouse experiences a cycle of infidelity, guilt and repentance.

There is also a danger that sexually addicted people might fail to recognize their spouse as another person of value. They might treat their spouses as objects or ends to their means of achieving personal gratification. Unlike normal couples, it is difficult for the sexually addicted to enjoy intimacy with their partners and even with any of their lovers.
(www.isnare.com/?aid=5774&ca=Cheating)

The trouble with sexual addiction
A unique thing about sexual addiction is that no matter how the erring spouse tries to correct his/her ways, there is still bound to be a relapse. Addiction seems to take a mind of its own, making it difficult for the cheating spouse to refuse a chance at a sexual encounter with a person other than his/her partner. (www.isnare.com/?aid=5774&ca=Cheating)

Sexual addiction involves distorted thinking, in which cheating people tend to rationalize their acts, even justifying them. It is also common for these people to put the blame on other people for their straying, including their own spouses.

Since sexual addicts also tend to take more risks and are more adventurous, they are also more willing to engage in risky sexual activities. There is also the danger that sexual addiction can adversely affect a person’s personal and social life and even his career. Sexual addicts also find little consolation or satisfaction in their dalliances, which urges them on to participate in one more incident of marital infidelity.

To get caught in a very compromising situation is one thing, but to be suspected of committing adultery is another. There are many reasons why we doubt our partner’s faithfulness. It may stem from a husband’s longer time spent outside or too much of overtime work. It could also result from the wife’s sudden change of personality, one who suddenly loves to get a haircut and salon pampering more often than before. Needless to say, suspicious partners are getting devious in their ways of punishing their supposed cheating spouse.

Let Them Die of Humiliation

A thirty-year-old Serbian man was arrested after he forced his wife to strut down the Knjazevac streets without any clothes on. To make matters worse, it was during midday, when the roads are absorbing all the heat the sun can muster. With his car in tow, he allowed his wife to slowly die of humiliation.
What did the wife do to deserve such treatment? The husband believes that he has a cheating wife. If walking naked wasn’t enough, the man was hurling profanities against her.

Stop the Intimacy

Nobody can definitely deny the fact that sex can spice up a marriage life. A touch and a lingering kiss can all together heighten each other’s feelings. Sometimes they are often viewed as your sign of faithfulness and commitment, having been fulfilling your responsibility towards your spouse.

Thus, you cannot simply fathom how torturous it will be if your husband or wife practices sex withdrawal. It is actually one of the most typical ways of punishing your spouse. Definitely, you hear of stories how wives force their husbands to storm out of the room and sleep on couches. It’s also usual for both to turn their backs on each other when they are in a rift.

People have begun to accept the truth that these are usual repercussions of anger—that these behaviors are acceptable. What we don’t know, however, withholding sex is one definite form of emotional and sexual abuse.

The mere fact that you are having suspicions on your wife or husband, it’s already enough to drive you over the edge. Hence, revenge appear sweet than what you previously thought. But perhaps before you try to do any of these things, it may be wise to ask yourselves first: have I proven anything? The hardest thing to regain in a relationship is a broken trust. The same goes even if you’re the one who’s suspecting.

For the longest time, we have been taught the a monogamous relationship can make a relationship work—that a long-lasting love is possible if both the man and woman will remain committed and faithful to each other. Thus, any form of disturbance to such relationship, such as an extramarital affair, will make what have been established crumble.

Perhaps it is due to passage of time, yet the ultimate definition of polygamy has been twisted. Many people believe that injecting few “adventures” once in a while will somehow prevent someone from going astray or finding someone else. The only rule that needs to be followed is that both shall be open to talk about it.

It has always been stressed that monogamy is always an option. You can’t expect your partner to be naturally monogamous. Besides, it seems to be the only recourse if you want to establish a very happy life together with your partner such as in marriage. Thus, despite your flirtatious cravings, you try to curb it just so you can follow what is considered as norm.

Today, however, the idea seems to be already far-fetched. For one, you already have the option of divorce. If you don’t like the relationship anymore and you want to spend the rest of your life with someone else, then you can simply file papers into court. Being free from each other’s care is becoming so easy—in fact, ultimately common. Let’s take, for example, a billboard of a law firm based in Chicago. It featured two almost-naked bodies of a male and female. It could be ordinary, considering how liberal the society is nowadays. But what caused the attention could have been the caption itself: you can’t miss out on life; thus, you better obtain a divorce.

There is also the sense of acceptance that unforgivable acts are already acceptable, simply because everybody seems to be doing it. It’s very much expressed in the recent TV of Unforgivable, a perfume launched by the famous rapper Sean Combs. Cheating and swinging appear not so offensive as it should be to the public.

These days the pressure is not really on the marriage itself but on the process of keeping it. We are filled with information on how illicit relationships and divorce can be detrimental to your children. Yet in order to survive and remain faithful to one’s promise of becoming monogamous, a couple needs the support and even help of their families and their society.

How far can you go just to get your “little freedom”? It’s not unusual for philanderers to create alibis for misdeeds. There are always excuses for late nights, for a long weekend spent in another state, or for the discreet phone calls made during the night. These strategies, however, are already passé for wives who are often left at home taking care of the kids.

What could be considered as a nightmare for the girls could be the boon for men. A new agency called Ibila—founded by Regine Mourizard, an ex-private eye—can produce fake seminars, phone calls, and even invitations. These can be used to justify your absence.

How does it work? Take this, for example. One of its first clients was a middle-aged man who liked to take his mistress on a getaway to an island without having his wife suspecting his escapade. A false wedding invitation got him what he wanted.

You can also refer to the story of Geraldine, who was still enamored by her previous flame. When the man was in town and she wanted to get away just to have a short illicit moment with the man, she simply paid 19 euros in exchange of a telephone call. It was a student who was seeking an urgent tutorial session; so it said.

What others could consider a shame, Mourizard could have a different philosophy. He believes that she was doing couples a favor. She believes that if flings become undetected by any parties, there will be no trouble in marriages and there is lesser chances that they will break up. What’s more, it appeared to be a very legitimate business. They don’t plagiarized documents. They do manufacture bills of false companies, restaurants, and hotels. Clients are also required to sign a document, stating that the fake papers can never be used for other illegal purposes including swindling and blackmailing of other individuals as well as the government. They have their own staff who can handle everything—from planning, to organizing, to coordinating.

In business sense, it is a lucrative idea. Imagine, how many individuals out there are bored with their lives and want to spice things up a bit? How many are wondering of the chances that they could find whom they can call their true perfect match? Nevertheless, such “plausible” alibis can never erase the fact that the bottom of it all, it’s still cheating. Cheating is one of the major causes of marriage breakups, and everything becomes a domino effect. If you can get away with your wife and even your children, hopefully you can run away with your conscience.

Doug and Chris Young’s names may not ring a bell to most people, but they are the subject of admiration and disbelief to people who have read about their relationship as husband and wife. Chris, a relationship counselor and her husband Doug, live in Surrey, England. They had been married for nearly 25 years when Doug confessed his extramarital dalliances to his wife, one of which was with her best friend. After much consideration, Chris decided to give their marriage a second chance.

Worst case of infidelity? Not really. Here are people who will surprise you:

Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco
The infamy of Joey Buttafuoco’s infidelity is only shadowed by his young mistress’ subsequent actions. Amy Fisher was only 16 when she started having an affair with the 30-something Buttafuoco in 1991. Fisher was so in love with Buttafuoco that she even agreed to work as a prostitute after he introduced her to an escort service.

Fisher repeatedly asked Buttafuoco to leave Mary Jo but he refused. In May of 1992, Fisher walked up to the Buttafuoco’s home and shot Mary Jo in the face. She survived and Fisher was imprisoned. After her release, Fisher became a writer and tried to live her life away from the limelight, except for some televised interviews and meetings with the Buttafuocos.
(en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_Fisher)

Richard Kudlik
Richard Kudlik had an allure that proved irresistible to many women – he had a badge, a gun, a Dodge pickup he used to hunt wanted criminals as a U.S. marshal and he was charming. It wasn’t long before he began having relationships with several women – 11, to be exact.

Unfortunately, Kudlik also lied about being a U.S. marshal. He was actually a maintenance man who also happened to be married to a woman for 17 years. After several complaints from his ex-girlfriends, Kudlik was promptly arrested and charged with impersonating a law officer and illegal possession of a fake service badge.

David and Clara Harris
David and Clara Harris seemed the perfect couple. They had thriving careers and had a happy relationship. Clara even got along well with David’s daughter, Lindsey, from a former marriage. However, all that changed when David started having an affair with Gail Bridges.

Incensed, Clara took Lindsey and staked out David and Gail at a hotel where they stayed. Clara confronted the lovers and later when they walked out of the hotel, ran over David three times, with Lindsey in the car with her. During her trial, Lindsey, David’s parents and his brother all testified for Clara, saying that she loved David and tried hard to make their marriage work.

For many soldiers, especially those who are deployed in far locations, the loneliness and homesickness are probably as bad as the conditions they have to live in and the war they have to fight. Not only that, they also have their personal relationships to manage, particularly those soldiers who are married, have a family or significant other left at home. When there is so much distance between two people and the ever-present threat of uncertainty in the war, many soldiers find their relationships threatened by infidelity.

Youth and infidelity
There are many soldiers who marry equally young partners who are often ill-equipped emotionally to handle the required adjustments and maturity level necessary to sustain relationships. The marital situation is even made more difficult if young children are involved. Left at home, a young spouse can become lonely and seek the companionship that his or her soldier spouse cannot give. Furthermore, marital issues left unresolved before the soldier’s deployment can be worsened by the distance.

A poignant example of this is that of a soldier from Tikrit, Iraq who wrote Amy Alkon (The Advice Goddess) about his wife. Apparently, his wife confessed about her attraction to another guy and that she wasn’t sure if she could still remain faithful should the other guy make his move. Alkon’s advice was sympathetic but practical: fight for your marriage if you see it’s worth it or come to an agreement that without fidelity there is nothing worth fighting for.

The problem with soldiers and infidelity
Although psychiatric counseling is available for many soldiers to help them cope, not many of them use this service. Soldiers may also be concerned about infidelities concerning their spouses and vice versa. Furthermore, soldiers returning home and becoming part of their family again have to go through several adjustments.

Cases of infidelity among soldiers are often a concern particularly because it affects their job. It is widely observed in the military that soldiers who have happy marital relationships are more productive and those dealing with problematic relationships see their performance degrade.

This is something that can spell disaster especially when a soldier is sent on a mission or goes into combat.

Unhappy endings
In an article published in the Democrats.org page regarding deployed soldiers’ marital stability and mental health, studies performed by the Mental Health Advisory found out that there was an increase in the number of marital and mental health problems in more than 1,300 soldiers and about 440 Marines. Aside from the prevalence of post traumatic stress disorder, about 20% of soldiers surveyed reported they were contemplating or planning either a separation or a divorce. Incidents of these problems increase in number as the length of deployment increases.

Although polygamy or marriages where an individual has more than one marital partners is now known by most people as exclusive territory of Islam religion, it appears otherwise in its controversial history.

In Chinese cultures, only one wife was acceptable for Chinese men but there is no limit to how many concubines or mistresses he may take and this has been practiced openly from ancient times till before the formation of the People’s Republic of China.

Statistics report how many Chinese men, including those living in Hong Kong and their other territories, still kept second wives, albeit in a more discreet fashion this time, and in spite of possible legal repercussions.

In Hinduism, polygamy was only evident in ancient times. The establishment of Hindu Marriage Law and religious edicts now forbids followers of Hinduism, Sikhism, and Jainism to become polygamous.

In Judaism, it is quite ironic how biblical characters like Abraham and Jacob are described as polygamous. During those times, polygamy was not entirely common but it did happen and it was not perceived as something bad. Of course, modern day Judaism do not allow their followers to practice polygamy now.

In Buddhism, there is no actual law that labels polygamy as a violation of any sort, but one of its philosophies does suggest desisting from extra-marital relationships. Its Tibetan branch, however, accepts cases where consorts are taken by an individual if his or her respective partner is unable to participate in spiritual practices. Both parties may have their own consorts. The taking of consort is referred to as consort practice.

In Christianity, St. Augustine sought to explain the changes of laws on polygamy. While he didn’t make any judgment on known polygamists like Abraham, Moses, and Jacob, he did specify that the patriarchs had reasons to do so, all of which were at that time deemed acceptable, such as to increase the number of their population. Lastly, he explained that for today and in keeping with Roman custom, polygamy is no longer considered an acceptable practice.

There were several incidents in Christianity that the non-acceptance of polygamy was reversed. During the Thirty Years’ War, the churches allowed males to marry up to ten women to bulk up the then-shrunken population, provided that they were able to continue behaving in an honorable manner, provide for all their dependents, and prevent their wives from harboring ill will against each other.

And lastly, there is the notorious issue of polygamy in Mormonism. It began when its founder Joseph Smith declared that his dream told him how some men were called to have a “plural marriage”. Polygamy has long been banned, however, and those caught violating are excommunicated.