But You Don’t Understand: Infidelity and Miscommunication

Miscommunication is a major cause of infidelity.  However, it is also a product of other problems inherent in the marriage.  Couples who refuse to see eye to eye, for example, or those who ‘read’ too much into their partner’s behavior, often end up jumping into conclusions that are unwarranted and invalid.  The result?  Ineffective exchanges that lead to bitter fights and emotional pain.

Everything is communication
If you look at how the world works, one of the most basic components that move it is the way we all communicate.  In fact, the most fundamental structures in our society such as marriage and family, rely heavily on communication. 

Individuals speak to one another using verbal and nonverbal cues.  Words work but then there are also the facial expressions, actions and gestures that relay what we wish to express. 

With so many venues with which to communicate, is it any wonder why some things don’t always get said the way they should?  The way things are said or gestured and how they are received can impact understanding.  This then leads to miscommunication.

Infidelity and miscommunication
‘My spouse doesn’t understand me at all.’
‘We’re never on the same page.’
‘It’s hard for him/her to see it my way.’

Do these words sound familiar?  You don’t have to be a practicing psychiatrist or psychologist to hear these statements.  Married people, especially those experiencing some troubled times for their marriage, say these words.  Some, who are on the verge of infidelity, may even make similar declarations more frequently. 

So how does miscommunication work against a good marriage and encourage infidelity? 
One reason why miscommunication can lead to infidelity is because people inherently feel appreciated if they are understood. 

Emotions are very strong influences in people.  When they feel involved in a miscommunication, they often go on the defensive.  They will try to protect themselves by declaring that they’re right and the other person was wrong.  Or, they could say that the other person just got them wrong.

Regardless, the end result remains the same: feelings of bitterness, hurt, being unappreciated.  If pushed further, some people might even turn to infidelity, finding solace in someone else other than their spouses and family.  Because of miscommunication, some people can be driven to find other people who will understand them, listen to them or at least, ‘get’ what they mean.

Miscommunication is a two-way event.  It is also an imperfect process, in that there are certain components that may be twisted in order to produce a more desirable effect.  Couples who are able to overcome their problems with miscommunication early are more likely to prevent infidelity.  Couples who don’t might find themselves using it as an excuse.