To Catch Your Cheating Spouse

Infidelity doesn’t always end a marriage but it can be a very powerful catalyst for change. This is because it sometimes takes an extramarital affair for people to wake up, take a look at the state of their marriage and subsequently make the right decisions in order to keep it. But for many couples, particularly those who have been burned by their partner’s affairs, infidelity can be likened to cancer – something bad, unwanted and quite often, unexpected.

Here are reasons why:

It can start from within.
It’s probably safe to say that it’s all in your mind and that whatever reasons you have that will push you to become unfaithful are just the products of your own priorities, background and beliefs. Some people, for example, will believe that their infidelity is justified because they feel undervalued by their spouses, when in fact, they just married the type of person who is ill-equipped to show his or her love and appreciation in a demonstrative way.

Infidelity can also be caused by emotional issues, something that your partner cannot handle or understand. As it eats you up inside, it destroys your belief that your marriage is worth a second try.

It can start from exposure.
Infidelity, like cancer, can be nudged on by the wrong influence. Having a parent who was unfaithful, being around people who play around, being cheated on in a previous relationship or simply being egged on by what you see or hear in your workplace or social environment can make you feel a little fling won’t make much of a difference.

It can worsen.
Like cancer, infidelity can start from a careless one-night stand with one partner and then gradually escalate. Some flings even become long-term extramarital relationships, even if both partners never thought it would even last. By the time you and your lover decide it’s gone too far, it’s already too late.

It can spread.
Infidelity can influence others. Some people, for example, will even start affairs after learning of their spouses’ extramarital relationship. And it doesn’t stop there. If you are unfaithful, it can also affect your family, career and social relationships. Worse, your infidelity can even influence others to do the same.

Treating the disease
Like cancer, infidelity can take a while to heal. Although some couples can work out the problem on their own, there are also some who prefer to use the help of a professional therapist. Depending on the depth of the problem and on the underlying issues surrounding the infidelity, it can be a struggle just to keep the marriage afloat.

Do you need an excuse to be unfaithful? No matter how great your married relationship is, there is always the temptation to cheat. Here are five reasons why infidelity can happen even in the healthiest and happiest marriages:

The free ride is available.
Although the temptation to cheat can be as strong in men as it is in women, more men become unfaithful because of the prospect of a guilt-free extramarital fling. Clinical psychologist Dr. Joyce Berry likens infidelity in men to a chocolate cake on the kitchen table. A man walks in, sees the cake and, even if he isn’t hungry, takes a piece and eats it– all because it is available.

Even if their marriages are happy, some men will take an attractive bait because it’s there and because it seems to be heading their way. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to become unfaithful because of an unhappy marriage.

The other person is nice and starting a friendship seems safe.
American actor Bernie Mac once said on The Oprah Show, ‘Nobody fights for nothing no more.’ when asked how he and his wife kept their marriage alive. This is true to some extent in many marriages, even happy ones.

When people have the life they want – a great marriage, happy kids, an excellent career – it’s easy to become complacent. This is why they never see an extramarital affair coming even if it stared them in the face. When someone nice comes along, a friendly co-worker or a sympathetic friend or an old high school acquaintance, starting a friendship will seem harmless. The problem is, it could spark and blossom into an affair.

You and/or your spouse were sexually active prior to the marriage.
It isn’t always the case, but people who enjoyed a rather active sexual life before they got married are more likely to become unfaithful. It could be the satisfaction they get from multiple partners or the thrill in the variety of lovers they had that pushes them to pursue an affair while enjoying the benefits of a happy marriage at the same time.

You feel you can get away with it.
Although your marriage is happy, you feel that a little infidelity on the side ‘can’t hurt’, as long as your spouse doesn’t find out. Adventurous, thrill-seeking, conquest-minded, you prefer the excitement of the chase and opt to participate in it, believing that your spouse won’t be hurt by what he or she doesn’t know.

You have emotional issues.
There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, although people can be very happy in imperfect marriages. However, problems can occur, such as when one spouse is too volatile or have desires that, for some reason, remain unfulfilled. This is when infidelity can happen, never mind that your marriage is happy to begin with.

References used:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/infidelity/MH00110
http://www.survivinginfidelity911.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/rebuilding_a_marriage.h

Marriage requires a little bit of sacrifice from both partners. Sometimes, this can be easily achieved through compromise, where both couples agree about the type and extent of what they are willing to give up for their relationship. This often works well and many married couples enjoy a healthy and happy relationship because of this. However, there are also partnerships where only one partner is working to make their marriage work and this is where trouble begins. This situation is called the ’split self’ and is considered as one of the top causes of marital infidelity.

‘I will make this marriage work. You just sit there.’
Marriage is a partnership and is expected to be as such. A split self situation is when one spouse ignores his/her needs in favor of the partner, the relationship or even the family. This may occur due to a variety of reasons, such as when one spouse is the sole breadwinner and his/her needs, dreams and ambitions must be fulfilled for the success of the family or when one spouse’s ambitions are considered greater than his partner’s.

Although in some marriages, especially in societies where one spouse (usually the man) is expected to be the sole provider for the family, this usually works. In this case, no split self situation occurs and neither is there a danger of marital infidelity happening. However, this is not always true.

The trouble with a split self
A person can only go so far in terms of remaining submissive to his/her partner’s wants and needs. In a split self situation, the failure of the submissive spouse to have his/her needs met may begin to cause him/her feelings of neglect and being undervalued in the relationship. In order to fulfill these needs, he/she might seek validation elsewhere, usually by committing marital infidelity.

One characteristic of the split self affair is that it is not usually a fling and very rarely, a one-night stand. Most of these affairs become serious, long-term relationships. Ultimately, a time will come when the cheating partner will have to choose between his/her lover and the spouse.

The emotional stress the split self affair brings can be quite troublesome. In a way, a justification of the affair is sometimes made because the cheating spouse had felt neglected and his/her needs suppressed. By being involved in an affair, the cheating partner feels that his/her emotional needs are addressed.

A split self affair can easily be a cause of marital infidelity because an affair can meet the needs of the emotional self, which usually remains neglected in the marriage. As a result, an extramarital affair becomes logical and difficult to resist.

References used:
http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/haworth/jcrt/2005/00000004/F0020002/art00007
http://www.affairs-help.com/types.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/zforum/national/infidelity0901.htm

So now you have this nagging thought in your head that your spouse may be unfaithful to you. Since gut feelings are not always 100% correct, you need evidence but feel that you can’t do it alone. Should you enlist the help of your friends and family to find out about your spouse’s infidelity? Here are reasons why you should and why you should not:

Enlist the help of your friends and family if:
They have access to the evidence.
If your relative or friend is the best lead you have, you will need to ask them for help if you suspect your spouse of infidelity. If they work with your spouse, for example, or if they are friends with the other man/woman or if they know someone who can prove your spouse’s infidelity, then they are your best allies.

They can remain discreet.
For many people, marital infidelity can be an embarrassing issue. If you prefer to keep your ‘investigation’ under wraps and feel you can trust your friends and family, then they should be enlisted to help. Discretion is also important because if your spouse finds out that he/she is being spied upon, they might not take it too lightly.

You don’t want to spend for professional help.
You can always turn to a professional ‘cheat spy’ but they cost a lot. So why pay a huge fee when you can enlist your friends and family at no cost? You also get the emotional support you’ll need during the process.

You should not enlist the help of your family and friends if:
You can’t trust that they will be discreet.
Yes, there is one in the family – the aunt, cousin or sibling who can’t seem to keep the lid on things like marital infidelity. And you’ll also find these people in your group of friends as well.

If that is the case, you might want to gather all the facts they have and then perform the investigation yourself. That way, you get to use the information without risking having your spouse’s marital infidelity exposed unnecessarily.

You can do it on your own or by hiring a detective.
If you yourself are a great spy, why bother? You, being the spouse, are in the best position to know things about your partner that other people just cannot get. If you’re not the type who is ‘the last to know’, then you can do it yourself.

You want to keep the issue a secret.
If, for whatever reason, you want to keep things quiet, then you shouldn’t feel the pressure to enlist the help of your friends and family. You keep the issue of your spouse’s marital infidelity a secret and in case it’s untrue, nobody else has to know you once doubted your partner.

Sexual addiction may sound like a good excuse to stray. After all, it’s a mental condition that keeps someone from honoring his marital vows and just engaging in one extramarital sexual encounter after another. Unfortunately, it is a convenient excuse but still an excuse, nevertheless. Is it still any wonder why sexual addiction is a strong cause of marital infidelity?

A troublesome category
According to the director of the Key Bridge Therapy and Mediation Center Emily Brown, the causes of marital infidelity come in different categories. One of these is sexual addiction.

When marital infidelity is strongly connected to sexual addiction, it can take several forms. One is that sex with other people is not necessarily an emotionally connected incident but a conquest or sexual release. This type of sexual addiction can take several forms, such as actual sexual contact with multiple partners, an obsession with pornography, strip clubs and prostitution, self-gratification, etc.

Another is that the sexual addiction is recognized by the cheating spouse and there is an intention to stop. The only problem is that the compulsion proves to be too strong and difficult to refuse. Hence, the cheating spouse experiences a cycle of infidelity, guilt and repentance.

There is also a danger that sexually addicted people might fail to recognize their spouse as another person of value. They might treat their spouses as objects or ends to their means of achieving personal gratification. Unlike normal couples, it is difficult for the sexually addicted to enjoy intimacy with their partners and even with any of their lovers.
(www.isnare.com/?aid=5774&ca=Cheating)

The trouble with sexual addiction
A unique thing about sexual addiction is that no matter how the erring spouse tries to correct his/her ways, there is still bound to be a relapse. Addiction seems to take a mind of its own, making it difficult for the cheating spouse to refuse a chance at a sexual encounter with a person other than his/her partner. (www.isnare.com/?aid=5774&ca=Cheating)

Sexual addiction involves distorted thinking, in which cheating people tend to rationalize their acts, even justifying them. It is also common for these people to put the blame on other people for their straying, including their own spouses.

Since sexual addicts also tend to take more risks and are more adventurous, they are also more willing to engage in risky sexual activities. There is also the danger that sexual addiction can adversely affect a person’s personal and social life and even his career. Sexual addicts also find little consolation or satisfaction in their dalliances, which urges them on to participate in one more incident of marital infidelity.

If married couples are asked which of the many dangers and risks of marital infidelity they are most concerned about, one of the top choices would be STD or sexually transmitted diseases. People who promote marital fidelity cite the tendency of STD to rise among couples who are unfaithful and those who have multiple sexual partners.

This risk is stronger in cheating spouses who do not use protection in their sexual encounters with people other than their partner. In many cases of marital infidelity, especially those involving casual encounters where no protection was used, the cheating spouse may increase his/her risk of bringing home an unwanted disease.

The risk of STD-related marital infidelity in migration

Proof that marital infidelity can be devastating not only to the emotions but also to health is the 2001 study presented by the paper ‘The Social Constructions of Sexuality’. The study concerns migrant Mexican communities. The research showed that there was a rise in AIDS cases in Mexican men who worked in the U.S., got involved in extramarital affairs and then came home to their wives.

The problem is further confounded by many Mexican women’s false reliance on their husbands’ marital fidelity and opting not to use protection as a means of preventing the spread of STD. The study concluded that the only way couples could be protected from STD is to target men specifically for effective prevention programs.

The connection between marital infidelity and STD is not limited to this specific group alone. In many countries in the world, the risk of STD rises in couples who engage in unprotected extramarital affairs. Whether they are in a committed relationship or not, the risk is even higher in people who have more than one partner.

Should STD be considered a deterrent to marital infidelity?
The fear of being infected with a sexually transmitted disease can be an excellent reason not to be involved in extramarital affairs. However, the reasoning behind this is flawed. It is still best for married couples to re-examine the positive reasons for remaining committed to their relationship instead of being motivated by fear.

In a study published in 2003 in the Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, a survey showed that many men prefer to practice monogamy in order to avoid STD. And they are, in fact, supportive of monogamy not only for health safety but also because it helps them make their relationships happier.

Furthermore, the increase in AIDS cases in the US from 1996 to 2000 was attributable to heterosexual transmission. This suggests that the best way to prevent STD is to avoid marital infidelity.

People do it for sexual gratification or they do it because of love. Sometimes, they will do it for the thrill, the conquest, even the money. But to boost a low self-esteem? If you think people with little self-confidence will not be unfaithful to their spouses, you’d be surprised. A low self-esteem is one of the reasons people engage in extramarital affairs.

Cheating spouses have come a long way since the publication of Alfred Kinsey’s research about sex. In 1953, half of married men and only about a quarter of married women surveyed admitted they had been involved in an extramarital affair before the age of 40. Decades later, the number seems to be evening out, with women under 40 also as likely as men to become unfaithful.

A quest for validation
A low self-esteem can be tricky, particularly because it can be inherent in a person prior to the marriage. A false perception that getting married will ‘fix’ things only serves to make matters worse.

This is particularly true if the validation or ‘boost’ to the low self-esteem of one partner is difficult to find in the marriage. If his/her spouse fails to recognize this need and ignores it, the resentment can grow and so will the low self-esteem.

Something as being complimented for their cooking or career instead of their looks on a regular basis can make some people question their attractiveness. They will begin to ask, ‘Does she still want me?’ or ‘Does he still see me as a woman?’ or ‘Am I still wanted?’

Although some people can overcome this, there are others who obsess about it. A small gesture, look, laugh or frown may be interpreted as an invalidation of worth. When another person appears and shows interest in the qualities the spouse neglects, it becomes easier to seek fulfillment with this person as a lover.

A cycle to nowhere
Another reason why a low self-esteem can be a cause of infidelity is when a spouse cheats. When the other finds out, he/she might question his/her own attractiveness, desirability and worth as a spouse. Either as a way to exact revenge or boost the low self-esteem as a result of the other spouse’s affair, a person might begin his/her own extramarital relationship.

Speaking to the ego
Probably one of the biggest mistakes people make in a marriage is neglecting their spouse’s physical and emotional needs. This usually happens in relationships were familiarity is the norm and people tend to simply assume that their partner understands their action or in this case, inaction. A low self-esteem can lead to infidelity and the more it is neglected, the stronger the justification to seek fulfillment elsewhere becomes.

Additional references:
http://www.aamft.org/families/Consumer_Updates/Infidelity.asp
http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/heartaches_affairs.shtml

The road to infidelity is sometimes made of several different nudges in the wrong direction or it can be one single push. How people get there can make for fascinating study, especially since the causes of and motivations for infidelity can be as colorful as they are unique. One of these is intimacy avoidance.

Too many reasons to cheat
According to the book ‘The Monogamy Myth’ by Peggy Vaughan, about 40% of married women and 60% of married men will become involved in an extramarital affair. Already, about 15% of married women and 25% of married men have had sexual relationships with people other than their spouses. Although the causes of infidelity definitely vary, intimacy avoidance was stated as one of the top reasons.

What is intimacy avoidance?
This is the emotional condition where spouses refuse to become intimate because their connection to their partners is mainly brought on by conflict. As such, they create physical or emotional blocks to prevent intimacy. One of these is by becoming unfaithful.

Quite often, both spouses may be involved in their own infidelity cases, believing that they can be safer if they step out of their comfort zone or do things that are not characteristic of them. However, there are also married couples where only one spouse becomes unfaithful.

How intimacy avoidance causes marital infidelity
Spouses who engage in intimacy avoidance are the exact opposite of couples who prefer conflict avoidance. Intimacy avoidance couples prefer to engage in conflict such as fights and arguments in order to encourage emotional and physical barriers to grow between them. As a result, neither couple becomes too emotionally attached to the other.

Since emotions can keep them apart, the more important issues such as the fact that they are avoiding the type of closeness and intimacy characteristic of normal married relationships, are ignored. By performing acts of infidelity, from physical to the more troublesome emotional infidelity, they strengthen the barrier.

This is a waste of opportunity for spouses to take advantage of something that should come naturally for married couples. In this case, marital infidelity is just an end for spouses who refuse the chance to repair their marriage by being intimate. The more intense the conflict within their marriage is, the more couples feel justified in considering the prospect of engaging in marital infidelity. In fact, some of them may even feel that intimacy avoidance actually pushed them to have extramarital affairs.

Additional resources:
http://www.etrucker.com/apps/news/article.asp?id=44611
http://www.soberknowledgebase.com/article.aspx?id=11637&cNode=4W2C0X

Marriages can be so simple to get into but very complicated to get out of, particularly if the partner had been a great companion for a long time. However, people change and time can make people re-examine their priorities, look into themselves and their lives and sometimes realize they should be someplace else. Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to make corrections and they begin extramarital affairs only to realize it can be the excuse they need. Here are some of the most common alibis when using infidelity as a means of exiting from an unhappy marriage:

It’s your fault.
The exit affair can be a reason to point to your spouse that you had nothing to do with the demise of your marriage. It’s like saying, ‘Don’t blame me – you made me do it!’ followed by a litany of what your spouse did wrong.

This excuse of using infidelity as a means of exiting your unhappy marriage expunges you of the responsibility of making the marriage work. In effect, you are ignoring the fact that you, too, have a part to play in your marriage and may have even caused its failure.

I can’t get no satisfaction.
An unhappy marriage can be a lot of things and the most common deal-breaker is that one or both spouses no longer feel satisfied with what they have or what they’re getting. By having an exit affair, they not only fulfill whatever need they believe is being neglected, they also have a means with which to exit from an unhappy marriage.

It’s not you, it’s me.
By assuring your spouse that the fault is all yours, you avoid the guilt of making your partner of several years feel bad about the failure of your marriage. It’s like saying, ‘Sure, honey, blame it all on me. You’re not the bad guy here, I am. So now give me a divorce.’ Furthermore, you not only show them that your marriage is so unhappy you had to be unfaithful, you also give them a reason not to try to win you back.

It’s been good while it lasted…
Acknowledging the past success of the marriage can make it easy to use infidelity as a means of exiting an unhappy union. This way, you don’t just focus on all the bad things you and your spouse had to put up with during your years together, you also tell them that it’s been fun but you’re with someone else now and that it’s time to let the divorce lawyers do the talking.

References used:
http://www.cheatcatcher.com/how-to-get-a-cheap-divorce/
http://www.helpstartshere.org/Default.aspx?PageID=911
http://www.ehow.com/how_2075308_be-cheat.html

Can infidelity be committed with a look or an exchange of words or thought? You’ll probably be surprised to learn that infidelity doesn’t always mean living or sleeping with another person other than your spouse. This is especially true if you and your partner agree to a relationship that is exclusive and monogamous. Here are the types of infidelity you should watch out for:

Physical infidelity
This is the type of infidelity that most people equate to cheating. A straying spouse engages in physical intimacy with a person other than the person he/she has a relationship with. The sexual encounter may occur once with one partner or with several, or it could be repetitive encounters over a prolonged period of time with one or multiple partners.

Physical infidelity does not always involve emotional attachment. There are people in relationships who commit physical infidelity and yet do not feel an emotional connection with their lovers. However, when they do, it is considered more devastating by their spouses.

Emotional infidelity
Emotional infidelity is an affair where a person becomes emotionally involved with another person with whom he/she doesn’t necessarily have physical intimacy with. It can begin as a casual and friendly relationship in which the people involved develop a closeness that goes beyond mere camaraderie or even flirting.

The straying partner may even deny the involvement because there is no sexual relationship, but in terms of loyalty, they have already become unfaithful. A person who becomes involved in an emotional infidelity does not necessarily have his/her intentions reciprocated.

Online affairs
Online infidelity is a unique type of infidelity because those who become involved in it do not necessarily become physically intimate or emotionally involved. The internet is a whole different world altogether where people can remain anonymous or even invent a new persona. This is what they use to communicate with an online friend who can become a possible partner or lover later.

Online affairs can sometimes remain just that – online infidelity. However, they can also progress to a sexual encounter or emotional affair.

An online affair is also similar to the type of infidelity that some people commit using other communication devices, such as the telephone or mobile phone. Some married people become unfaithful by engaging in phone sex with another person who is not their spouse.

Is infidelity relative?
It is important that spouses agree on the level of faithfulness they expect and are willing to commit to in their relationship. It is easy for some spouses to assume that they are not being unfaithful when their partner thinks differently. Knowing the different types of fidelity will help guide them with their agreement.

References used:
http://www.afterinfidelity.com/infidelity_types.htm
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/82782/types_of_infidelity.html
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_2_37/ai_64698514